Relate Community Church
Relate Community Church
Baby Monsters | 3 | Mother's Day Service
Baby Monsters: Big Trouble Starts Small We’re diving into the small attitudes, hidden sins, and quiet compromises that—if left alone—grow up into something destructive. This series is all about exposing those baby monsters before they grow teeth.
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Give your mama a hand if she's in the room.
Speaker 2:Actually, we could do a lot better than that. Let's do this. If you're a mom in the house, would you all stand up on your feet, All of the mothers?
Speaker 2:Folks, you are not a mother, Sweet sweet sweet I saw that we love our moms and you guys deserve all of the love and attention this morning. So thank you guys so much. You can sit down. You are so precious to us, all of you and sometimes there's moms that are not actual moms, but they still are moms to us and we want to honor you guys as well too. So, even if it's not your mom that's here today, make sure you call someone today, make sure you text someone or send them a gift, spend some time and just let's love on our moms. It's a special day that we get to be in the house together and honor all of our moms. We're going to do something a little bit different today. We're going to do something a little bit different today. We're going to try to. Anyway, angela and I are going to team teach and talk and talk around a couple of ideas, but we're still in a series. I feel like sitting down is so different.
Speaker 1:It is different. Join me down here. He said he was going to get up and walk around and then sit back down, and I was like I'm just sitting.
Speaker 2:It's hard for me to stay sitting. That's the problem. So that is okay though. Uh, but, but we really have some, I think, some really powerful and practical steps, tools that we can give you guys, and I thought what better way. There's kind of a convergence of a couple of things happening today, and one of those is Mother's Day, and how many not just mothers, but parents. So if you're a mom or a dad or you're helping to raise kids so you might be a grandparent, you might you're helping to raise kids or a family why don't you raise your hand real quick? I just want to see all over the room You're helping to raise kids. Maybe it's not even in your family, but you're helping, sometimes your neighbors. It really takes a village, it takes a lot of people to raise kids, and so, on top of Mother's Day and that celebration today, we also have week three of Baby Monsters, and we thought what better time to talk about what it looks like to hopefully not raise baby monsters?
Speaker 1:We're trying to keep our babies from being monsters.
Speaker 2:Exactly, exactly, that's our goal.
Speaker 2:I think this is really a perfect time to talk about some of these things, and this whole series has been built around this idea that huge, terrible deeds come from teeny, tiny seeds. And it's really easy to kind of see the parallel of that when we look at our kids and how they grow up. Most kids aren't bad, but they tend toward bad tendencies or they might have bad habits. So today we're going to talk about how to get ahead of some of those things when they're very small.
Speaker 2:And it's not just in our children but really in our influence, because I think we mismanage the influence we have with other people A lot of times. We mismanage as believers, as leaders, as people who have godly influence in the world. Sometimes it's very easy to mismanage or misidentify that I have influence over other people and I don't even recognize it, or I don't, I take it for granted or I just I take it very small, a very small account of what my responsibility is. So everybody, just put your hand over your heart and just say it's my responsibility, it's my responsibility, okay, so we're taking responsibility today over what can I help now, whenever it is possible to change some things.
Speaker 1:Well, and I think it's important that if you don't have, you know your own children. We, when our kids were little, we had several people in our lives that were not related to us by blood, but they helped us parent our children. It really does take a village because sometimes, especially teenagers, they cannot hear it from you, but they can hear it from somebody else. They can hear it from somebody that's, you know, taken for ice cream and say you know, you know what mama was saying. That's really right. And they're like, oh, or you know those kids you're hanging out with. They're not, and they'll be able to hear it from somebody else. So don't check out. Your voice is needed in the family.
Speaker 2:So it could be friends, family, it could be the a new relationship that starts off on the wrong foot or that starts off with the wrong dynamic. So we're going to talk about that a little bit. Maybe it's a family member and the relationship starts off loving and caring. Or it's a new baby. All new babies are cute, I say all. They have their moments and they're crying and they're colicky and all those things. But for the most part they start off, but then as they grow they end up. Sometimes those new relationships become manipulative or people take advantage or children become undisciplined and rebellious.
Speaker 1:So for our own kids, and we warned them that we were speaking on parenting today, so they're a little nervous.
Speaker 2:We're right here.
Speaker 1:The new one has no idea what he's in for, but the two older ones are. You know they're they're at. So for us, our kids started out in private school. It was a decision that our entire family made, including my parents and Sean's parents. We all made the decision that we wanted our kids to be in private school because of the school district that we happened to be serving in in that time period. But they did middle and high school and public school, and probably our rules were very different from you know, other families.
Speaker 1:I think every family has their own dynamic, but for our family, we didn't do demons, we didn't do monsters, we didn't do Pokemon, we didn't really do anything that made me feel weird, and so it was like we would go to the library and if they pick books that made me feel weird, we didn't get them, and so I think they both would pray God, please just let her not feel anything like. Please, like, can she just let me have this book everybody else is reading. I felt a little weird about the Captain Underpants series and I had to push past that because I think it was my own issue. I don't think it was the Lord, because both of the they loved Captain Underpants when they were kids. And so the thing is is, when I look at them now, we were. We were very careful to watch for those little tiny seeds. We were very careful about sarcasm, we were very careful about respectful speaking to one another, all of those things.
Speaker 1:And and now you know, just to brag on the kiddos, my own kiddos is there. One of them's graduated college and he's, he's doing the work of the Lord every single day. Grace is almost done with college. Come on, baby. And so I'm running her own business. And so I think that when you, if you have little kids, and you think, man, it's just too hard, I want you to try and look into the future, because we are always parenting, and parenting is always hard, and and you can be tired when that two-year-old tells you no for the hundredth time and you're like you know what? Okay, fine, no, you don't have to eat your green beans. But the thing is is, when that two-year-old gets to be 22, and they exist off of chicken nuggets. They've never eaten a green bean in their life. You will remember those moments and I honestly think that probably parenting now is harder than when our kids were little.
Speaker 2:A lot harder. We look around and we're thinking thank God, we don't have to raise our kids Well and it's for real, Like when you look at all the studies.
Speaker 1:the mental health impact on our kids today is completely different than even 15 years ago. We're talking seven-year-olds with anxiety, depression. The bullying is off the charts right now. It starts at a ridiculously young age.
Speaker 2:When I was a kid, we didn't even know what those things were.
Speaker 1:No.
Speaker 2:Teenagers, when you guys were first born, we had no thought of kids battling anxiety and depression. If they would have said they had anxiety, we would have said hey, go clean your room, Go like Well, and even bullying.
Speaker 1:I think bullying is different, like if, when our kids were little, we were like, well, just hit them back. Well, you can't do that now, like, that's, that is not good parenting, you cannot hit back, and so but there's so in all the studies. There is actually a turning point when parenting got much harder and it's when younger kids started getting devices. They started getting iPads and iPhones and and this this whole day, is not against technology, but I do think we've got to talk about it, because that cell phone that you give your seven-year-old has access to everything and it's things that they can't process and it's not even oh, my kids would never search for that. You're right, your kid would never search for that. But the algorithm is looking for them. It's not what they're searching, it's what's searching for them, and what we're doing is these unlocked opportunities for stress and perversion and ungodly influences 24-7 in their pocket A true pocket monster Pokemon.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's true.
Speaker 1:I know I will preach against Pokemon every day Made me feel weird, Jake.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's funny where the lines are drawn sometimes, and it's funny whenever we look around at some of the cycle of fear that come into our kids. Our kids come and talk to us. I feel like we are open to talk about so many things. We've left the conversation open. So if they're comfortable to talk to us which we hope they are, then we end up talking about all of the but every week, every month. It's a new thing.
Speaker 2:When I was a kid, I went for 10 years and the thing I was afraid of was killer bees, because we watch a video at school about how the killer bees were coming from Africa, and so if you saw a bee outside, it's a killer bee. But nowadays they have a lot more things to be afraid of war in the Middle East and they're seeing pictures, they're seeing video, they're seeing content that is that can be overwhelming, and so I think, as parents, we have to take all of that into account. Proverbs, chapter 22, and this is kind of the starting point for where we'll be. Proverbs 22, and this is kind of the starting point for where we'll be. Proverbs 22, 6, and you all know this verse, I think. But train up a child in the way everybody say, the way he should go, and when he's old he will not depart from it, this idea that there are things that you can do when they are small that will affect them when they're old, and that's really the kind of the foundation, the key point for baby monsters is there's some things you can do when it's a small situation or whenever it's just getting started, and I think there's no better place to start when thinking about training than the concept of boundaries.
Speaker 2:Everybody say boundaries, so boundaries is a thing that, if you have ever heard us talking about parenting, this is where we start, because this is usually where we go wrong. And this, if you were to ask us what's the single best tool that we had, or best idea, or best concept, or best book, there's a book called Boundaries with Kids Boundaries in Marriage, dr Henry Cloud, and it's not a new book, but the concept is so powerful and most of us ignore it. Like in most problems, it's hard, it's not an easy thing to. If you're not familiar with the concept. Well, everybody knows what boundaries are. Don't talk to us about this. Listen, there's something here that is so powerful, and it's not just about changing behavior, because boundaries doesn't start with behavior Boundaries starts like before behavior and as a parent, I think I have to manage the situation so that my kids will change their behavior.
Speaker 2:Like they need to get better grades, they need to clean their room, they need to dress better, wake up earlier, be on time, be disciplined. But listen like let's rewind before that and think about what has the power to change behavior. Because if you're trying to change or control your kids' behavior and their actions, it's got to go before that because I'm not trying to control them and their actions. It's got to go before that because I'm not trying to control them. It's not parent if it's parent control and all I got to do is get more control of my kids. Like we're in the grocery store sometimes and the first thing you think is man, they need to get control of their kids because they're out of control. Right, and the older you get, the more you think that, the more you think man, kids today, what's wrong with them?
Speaker 2:It's not just about changing behavior, because if a parent is just exerting more control, then it's parent control. It's not self-control, it's not teaching the kid how to control themselves, because there's only one person who can change the behavior. There's only one person who can bring about change, and that is myself, or my kids can change themselves. Otherwise I become overbearing. My mom is so or my dad is so. Controlling Boundaries is not that.
Speaker 2:And while I'm saying this, I'll say that here's a small disclaimer that some parents exhibit not enough discipline and some parents are doing too much. You might be that parent that's doing too much. You're working too hard in the wrong way. You're trying to micromanage every little thing. This is not that. This is taking a step back, and I promise you, if you start putting boundaries into place, your job as a parent becomes much, much, much, much, much, much, much easier.
Speaker 2:And then, on the flip side of that, there's parents who are doing too much but not enough boundaries, like the mom who wakes up and her kids go to school and then you clean the kid's room. And you clean the kid's room. Right, if you're cleaning your kid's room because they won't clean it, think about what happens whenever that kid is 15, or they're not 5 anymore, they're 15, or they're 20, or they're married. Yeah, there it is. You're cleaning your son's room and think about his wife. Potentially one day she's got to clean up after him, take care of him and like that's not establishing the right thing. So we don't want to just change their behavior, we want them to want to change. So how do we get there?
Speaker 1:So in real time, let's say that you want to have an independent kid who brushes their teeth.
Speaker 2:How do you set boundaries? How do?
Speaker 1:you set boundaries, and I think a huge part of that is how do you set consequences? So, if we want a child to brush their teeth, you've got to give them clear boundaries. Honestly, parents, it means you've got to slow down, you've got to focus on that kid for just a few minutes. So, hey, hey, buddy, you want a story tonight? Yeah, I want a story. He wants time with you, of course. Well, then you got to go brush your teeth. Well, he didn't want to brush his teeth. That's not fun. And so the thing is is the story doesn't happen unless we brush our teeth. Well, what? What if he screams? What if he throws a fit over brushing?
Speaker 2:his teeth. Yeah, because some of the parents are thinking well, we're not even at that point.
Speaker 1:They do what they want to do and it's not about the consequence they're going to freak out if they don't get what they want, well then they really don't get a story and we're not even moving forward, like I'm not even starting timeout until you stop screaming. And the thing is is when you get mad and you match them. That's when World War III you got to be. Very well, when you're done, when you're done screaming, I'll be here, let me know it's, but it's, we match him. So now we're all throwing a tantrum, everyone is screaming. That will get nowhere and I think that's probably the hugest part that we can give you is that just pull yourself back when you're done, then we'll start your time out. Then we'll talk about brushing teeth, because right now ain't no story happening ever again until your teeth are brushed and you stop screaming at me.
Speaker 1:But the thing is is you're going to have to teach them. I am not going to get what I want because I'm not doing what my mama wants, I'm not doing what my dad wants. It has to happen. And the thing is is why that's important is because at some point a police officer is going to want them to do something and they're going to say no and pull their phone out and start videotaping and they're going to go to jail. Now I realize that's a far jump from brushing teeth to jail, but it's not. It's not that far jump. We all would like to keep our children out of jail. Isn't that the goal, parents? I believe it is. The thing is is we have to teach them consequences.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but that's on the negative side, right. We don't want them to make mistakes, we don't want them to grow up and go the wrong way, but we want like thinking of the right way. If they understand boundaries and consequences, like if I do this, then this is what I get, then they can win in life. It's not just not making the wrong decisions, it's about how can I build a future, how can they learn how to build a future that I can win if I do, if I play by the rules?
Speaker 1:Well, and I think you have to be strong and clear and kind. Right, have to be strong and clear and kind. Right, just strong, clear and kind. Brush your teeth, get a story. It's not rocket science, everyone. Oh, now you're screaming Well, we'll start over in a minute, give yourself a second, gather yourself, I'll come back. That's the thing. And so you've got to motivate them with consequences. And it translates. So do your homework, well, I don't want to do my homework Well, then I'll change the wifi code. I I'll tell you right now, parents, I learned very early and when my kids were in middle school, to change the wifi code I owned. I pay that bill, y'all. That is not, that is not free, that's not. That's not an inalienable right Wi-Fi. I control the Wi-Fi. You can, too, from an app on your phone Bet, bet, go, just try. Change it. You'll get their attention. It's a miracle.
Speaker 2:You start realizing there are so many things that you have the power to change if you're willing to go through.
Speaker 1:Well, and I think, when you implement consequences, you do feel, mean, like, oh, pastor, angie, how do they do their homework without Wi-Fi? I don't know, they figured it out, they're fine. Look at them, they're fine. I didn't think that deep. It wasn't that deep for me, I just, you know whatever. And so the thing is is you have to tie that consequence super close to the behavior, right? So if they want to go out later, they want to go see a movie, well, they can't go until their homework's done. I mean, that feels like a no-brainer, but there's so many times where it's just easier to let them go to the movies. It's just easier. Okay, fine, go, go, get out of my house, go. But the thing is is we have to parent the adults that we want to work with.
Speaker 2:And can I say this If you set a boundary with a consequence and then you just throw it out the window, you'll never have a boundary and a consequence. Once you set a boundary and a consequence, it has to stay there and it has to be agreed on, like I can't change it after she said it. We have to be a unified team with our kids, because if they don't trust that we're actually going to do what we say, then it doesn't work.
Speaker 1:Well, and that's the thing they have to be able to trust you Like, of course they want to go see the movies, but when you don't do what you say you're going to do, it definitely plants a little tiny seed of distrust, Like if you're you know, they never follow through, they never, they never do what they say they're going to do. And that is dangerous. It's dangerous for a little heart. And so the thing is another consequence, a curfew, Like if you set a curfew and they're 15 minutes late, well then tomorrow's curfew is 15 minutes earlier and it doesn't have to be, you don't have to be mad, you don't have to be hateful. It's like sorry, buddy, Tomorrow you got to be home at 845 instead of nine.
Speaker 2:And I've seen some parents who they jump If a kid breaks a boundary. All of a sudden they start thinking up all of the consequences that could possibly take. That's it you lose your phone. No dinner.
Speaker 1:All of it, your door, your mattress.
Speaker 2:All of it. You sleep in a cell. Now Take your door off the hinges. You're in prison forever. Now till? I say, like the kids should know what the consequence is going to be. It should not be a surprise to them that when they they should be able to balance in their head. Okay, I know where the boundary is. If I cross the boundary, my consequence will be should I do it or not? And then they will choose to do it sometimes. But they have to be willing to pay the consequence and you can't freak out so much that you blow up. And now the consequence is not the 15 minutes or the time out or what the consequence is that I have ticked mom off or I have ticked dad and now my life is hell.
Speaker 1:Well, and the other flip side of that with the kids are smart. So you've freaked out, you've lost your mind, you've yelled at them and you feel bad. So you want to make it better. So you give them what they want. What have we learned everyone? We'll just freak out every single time. Take her off, she'll do what I want. Anyways, they're smart. All the kids in the room shh, pretend that you don't hear me. They're smarter than you think they are and they're learning. And I know well what's 15 minutes late on curfew, what's? That's not a big deal? Well, it is. When you're 15 minutes late at work.
Speaker 2:Because their boss is not going to care.
Speaker 1:Their boss is going to be like don't come in at all tomorrow. And they're like well, I got fired again. Why did I get fired again? Well, that's because you never were. They never were, were held accountable for their time when they were younger. We are parenting the adults that we want to be friends with. Right, we all work with poorly parented people All of us, we all do. You're thinking of someone in your head right now that was poorly parented.
Speaker 2:I think one of the obstacles to putting down a boundary and a consequence and sticking to it is a lot of times, as a parent, we think, oh, that's just mean, I feel like I'm being mean to them by keeping a because they're acting, sad, they're acting, hurt, they're acting. But I want to show you in the Bible, in Leviticus, chapter 19,. This is just setting boundaries 101. It says I want you to be able to see yourself in this verse too. It says do not pervert justice. And it says show neither partiality to the weak nor deference to the mighty. Now imagine that word weak or those two contrasts, that I'm not going to be influenced or manipulated one way or the other based on the situation that the person or the situation that I'm judging is in. So sometimes we think my kid needs a little extra help, or you know they can't. Really, this consequence would be so detrimental or devastating to them they won't be able to sleep tonight. Or like we think we're thinking of, if the consequence is that bad, it shouldn't have been a consequence in the first place, but we're trying to leverage our kids to make the right decision. So we, we, I'll just keep reading.
Speaker 2:It says but judge, judge your neighbor. And right there where it says neighbor, we could, we could flip that word out for a family member or our, your, your child. Judge them justly. Do not do anything that endangers your neighbor's life. I am the Lord. Do not hate a fellow Israelite in your heart. This is like how, how do we treat people? How do I treat the people in my community, in my family, in my home? And then it goes on. It says watch this, and this is where I hope this lands and hits you right between the eyes. It says rebuke your neighbor or your child frankly, so you will not share in their guilt.
Speaker 2:Some of us are getting to the point where we need to rebuke or we need to hand down a consequence, or we need to say this is the consequence of your action and we're pulling it back and we're saying, well, you know what you should get, but you're not going to get it because I'm going to be nice to you.
Speaker 2:We're trying to garner favor with our children and then what's actually happening is we're hurting them and the fault is partly ours and ultimately, whether it's whether whether we feel like they need extra punishment because they did something extra bad, or we're pulling our punches and we're making it. We're trying to lessen the impact of the, the punishment. What we're actually doing is we're moving the goalpost and we're showing them that there's no real truth and that my you can't trust what I have to say. I don't know if you're following the logic here, but if you're not setting down a boundary and saying if you cross this line, then this is what's going to happen. It doesn't have to be emotional, it doesn't have to be happen, it doesn't have to be emotional, it doesn't have to be life-ending. But stop moving the goalpost on them so that they can have a sense of reality, because their boss is not going to move the goalpost for them and say, yeah, you really tried your hardest, so I'm going to go easy on you this time. But there is a difference.
Speaker 1:Okay, well, I could tell you were trying.
Speaker 2:I almost don't want to hear it from you. You've never had a ticket in your life. Somehow she's got pulled over. I just cry. That's why you should try it. You should try it, okay. That might work. I doubt it, though. They probably would arrest you. That might work, I doubt it, though.
Speaker 1:They probably would arrest you.
Speaker 2:I don't think it works, not for guys it doesn't work. But there is a difference between pain and harm. Parents, mom, dad and usually in a relationship, mom and dad there's usually the one that wants to come down extra hard and the one who wants to give them mercy. This time Can we just go easy on them?
Speaker 1:You don't look at your wife or your husband because you know which one it is, but you feel like you have to. Well, and I think that's a really good point, there has been times in our parenting life where we felt like this is a good opportunity to show grace to our kids. Like not her, not our daughter Grace this is confusing. Like actual grace to a situation where they needed grace. It would be an excellent object lesson that you are in big trouble, you have done something terrible, but we are going to show you grace this time and so. But that was always a decision between the two of us, discussed privately and we came as a unified front to that and it was a big deal.
Speaker 2:It was more rare.
Speaker 1:It was rare.
Speaker 2:We made it as a teaching moment.
Speaker 1:It was not get out of jail free card. It was a teaching moment. And so the thing about and I love what you just said about there is a difference between pain and harm is, I think, that we all in our heads don't want to cause our kids pain. But actually, if you think about it, pain is good. If pain wasn't good, we would all be burn victims. Fire is bad. We know that fire is bad because it hurts us. We pull our hand back.
Speaker 1:The thing is is when you bang your head against a wall, it hurts, so you stop. That's why your consequences have to be painful. They can't just be. Well, we're going home right now from the park because you hit little Johnny. I don't want to go. Okay, we'll stay 15 more minutes. No, we're going home. You want to stay? We're leaving.
Speaker 1:This is painful for you. It is not detrimental to them. They will not have to go to therapy for it, but it is a consequence and I think we feel guilty because they're hurting and they know parents. They know how to push the button. They know how to make you feel guilty. It is, they're little fleshy creatures. It is in humanity to know how to. You're the worst mom ever. Well that you know. That's fine. Okay, that's your opinion. I know that I'm holding you responsible, so you don't live your days out in jail. You can't go around hitting people Like it's, but it's non-emotional right.
Speaker 1:And the thing is, if we grew up in houses with angry parents, we have a really hard time separating non-emotional correction to freaking out. We have a hard time, but we can learn, we can grow and change and shift, and the way that you do that is hang out with older parents. Find a small group with some older parents that their kids are doing right and think I'm going to learn, that. I'm going to figure out how to have a conversation like that. And I love in Hebrews Hebrews 12, 11, it says for the moment, all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.
Speaker 1:The thing is is you will destroy your child if you do not give him limits. You will destroy them to allow. You know well, you don't know what my childhood was like, pastor Angie, I want to give my kid everything. Well, the thing is is kids that have everything are weak and this world calls them to be strong. They have to be strong in this world. And the thing is is because we held our kids accountable for their own homes, for their own homework in elementary school, they, they would come home, there was order, there was time, they had to do their papers. We didn't do their projects for them and, honestly, if they came to me in the middle of the night and needed a poster board for a project due the next day, so sorry, that was poor planning. Your, your, uh, poor planning is not my catastrophe. So sorry, that was poor planning. Your poor planning is not my catastrophe, so sorry.
Speaker 2:And they might make a bad grade. But that has to become a lesson.
Speaker 1:They have to know that if I don't do this, Well, and the harvest of is that all through high school, I barely had to check grades, I barely had to stay on them. They handled their business. And even through college, people would ask me, how's Jake doing in school? And I'd be like I'm sure he's doing fine. I mean he'd tell me I think I mean he's. I'd ask him. He's like, yeah, I got it.
Speaker 1:But the thing is, is that what? That was not something that he learned in college. He learned that in third grade when he did his own project. And was it, you know, museum worthy? No, it was third grade worthy and he passed. Hello how, hallelujah, we'll take, we'll take a pass. The thing, the thing is is I think that we can't handle if our kids are mad at us. But the thing is is, if your kids are never mad at you, you're never parenting like at some point you're gonna have to say no, you can't roll out of the car when it's moving, you will die. I want to roll out of the car when it's moving? Well, you can't. And you lock the doors and then they're mad at you and you feel like a terrible parent. What is that? You just saved that little kid's life. You're the worst. I wanted to fly out of the car on 45. Well, I am the worst. That's true. You also are alive, but I think we have to sit down, parents, and if you're solo, you need a buddy.
Speaker 1:You need to find a buddy. If you're parenting solo, you need a buddy. Make a plan.
Speaker 2:Small groups help.
Speaker 1:That's it.
Speaker 2:Finding some other partners in parenting. So when kids are little, the rules are a lot easier to figure out, because you know they can't touch fire, they can't do this, they have to go to bed at certain times. As they get older, sometimes the guidelines get a little bit more elusive and I would say, at you know, at some age you start to try and incorporate the kids into figuring. Okay, what's the consequence for this? And a lot of times if, when our kids were, let's say, six, seven, eight, nine, there became a series of conversations where we're asking them like what do you think the consequence should be if you don't do your homework, or if you don't do this well, and if they couldn't figure it out, then we'd say, well, let's think about it, let's write down some answers, let's figure out. What should this look like? You tell me what the consequence should be, and then sometimes they'd come back with well, I think it should not be very hard, it should be a very lenient consequence.
Speaker 1:I think this is a time for grace and we're like no, it is not, it is not a time for an obstacle.
Speaker 2:So there's a negotiation there. But when they're part of the conversation and listen, if we're like, just get some control, just get some kind of organization, if the kids are just off the rails, they do what they want, they never listen then you have to start very simple, and you may have to. There may be a point where you may have listened to everything that we've said so far and you're thinking none of this is going to work because they're not going to listen to the first thing I tell them, like they're not going to brush their teeth, we're not going to get to that point because the night will just be frozen there. Then you're going to have to die on that hill. You're going to have to choose this, because if you can get that, if you can get the first principle of boundary in position, then the next one will be easier and the next one will be easier. You're going to have to just decide we're going to start this and the next one will be easier. You're going to have to just decide we're going to start this and we're going to create some rules that everyone can live with.
Speaker 2:Galatians, chapter 4, verse 2, says this but he is under guardians and managers until the date set by the Father. So your kids are under your guardianship. You are to be a steward of their life. And listen, you have control over way more than you think you do. If you're that parent that thinks I don't have control over anything, I can't control anything, wait, you can. You actually can, especially when your kids are little, because they depend on you for everything and you have the ability to say do you want this? It's a negotiation and here, just personally, in our kids' lives, the biggest thing, the biggest tool for negotiation was their phone. I think how old were they whenever they did get a phone?
Speaker 1:I think it was fifth and sixth grade.
Speaker 2:Fifth and sixth grade. Before that, though, they did have tablets, that they were allowed certain times of the day and certain videos within reason, and so conversations where they didn't want to do things went right back to the. We knew the buttons to push that needed to be pushed. Do you want your tablet or not? Do you want your phone? Give me your phone. As soon as you do what I want, you can have your phone back. Phone. Give me your phone. As soon as you do what I want, you can have your phone back. You need a ride somewhere, or you wanted to hang out with your friend, you wanted to talk to someone on the phone or use the computer, or have a certain meal or a snack, or like all of the things that you have the influence over. No one lives in this house unless they contribute.
Speaker 1:Right, that's it.
Speaker 2:I heard one description of this conversation is sitting down with everyone in the house and saying, okay, here's all the things. You can put them on a whiteboard, here are all the things that need to be done in the house. Okay, kids.
Speaker 1:Who wants to pay the mortgage?
Speaker 2:None of the kids are raising their hand. It's amazing. No one wants to pay the mortgage. I'll take the mortgage.
Speaker 1:None of the kids are raising their hands.
Speaker 2:It's amazing. No one wants to pay the mortgage. I'll take the mortgage, okay. Who wants to pay the water bill?
Speaker 1:It's amazing. No children want to pay the water bill.
Speaker 2:Who wants to make dinner tonight? Pay for dinner tonight. They're not there, okay. Who wants to clean the toilet? The kids I can do that. Who wants to straighten up the bathroom? Who wants to straighten up your room? I can do that, right. And so, parents, you have to figure out how this works for you.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:But you got listen, I'm just telling you. You got to keep the anger out of it.
Speaker 1:It's huge. If you walk away with anything today, it doesn't have to. Just because it's always been emotional doesn't mean that it has to continue to be emotional. It's just business, guys. It's just we're just. We're just going to try to get the bathroom cleaned Like it's not World War III, like I just want you to brush your teeth. I don't know why you're freaking out. I'm fine.
Speaker 2:And consequences work like a carrot or a stick, and sometimes we tend toward the stick. The carrot works a lot better than the stick. If I can reward you for things, that's an equal consequence.
Speaker 1:Well and so hey, if you will go brush your teeth, we'll have two stories. Okay, let's go. The thing is, you have to follow through, like you got to check those teeth.
Speaker 2:And kids don't move toward things that we don't move toward things that hurt us. We don't. We don't run toward barbed wire. We know it's hurt, we know it's painful, so we don't go there. Romans 2, 4 says the kindness of God leads you to repentance. The kindness of God, the kindness that we have. I remember one particular situation. I could tell you probably a thousand stories and most parents can, but I remember one in particular, when Grace was probably maybe five years old, four or five years old. She had, at two years old she had a. Really the way she talked was cute. She had baby talk.
Speaker 1:She was so cute. I mean she had a. Really the way she talked was cute she talked she had baby talks. She was so cute. I mean she's cute today.
Speaker 2:but it wasn't just because we were parents, but it was the way she pronounced words.
Speaker 1:Somehow this child was born a hillbilly and it was like the Southern bell Every. It was so cute and we, we let her, we just let let it stay there.
Speaker 2:But when she was five, we started thinking wait a second, she's pronouncing words the same way she did when she was two. Let's see if she so we started. I started asking her hey, can you say it this way? She couldn't. She couldn't fix the way she was saying it. So I decided you know, I'm not going to wait until she's 10 or 12, and then we'll put her in speech therapy because she was not able to pronounce certain sounds. And so we just decided look, we're going to fix this. So every time I made a rule every time we get in the car, we're going to spend the first five minutes of this car ride and we're going to practice our diction.
Speaker 1:She hated it, hated it.
Speaker 2:Practice vowel sounds, she would scream I'm not doing it. And then it would.
Speaker 1:I'm not saying that. I'm not saying that.
Speaker 2:Well, yes, you are it got to the point where she didn't want to go for a ride. She didn't want to go anywhere. We were going because she knew the first five minutes. But it got to the point where there was places she wanted to go. And then it was you want to go somewhere, you want to go somewhere, you want to go to Sonic.
Speaker 1:Oh, she'd be in the car. You want to go to Sonic? She'd get in the car, and then it would dawn on her.
Speaker 2:It's practice time, and so sometimes it might take us 10 minutes because we're not starting the time until you're actually doing it, until you stop crying.
Speaker 1:We drove around the neighborhood quite a bit. You guys Just waiting. We just waited, just waited and we cleared this story with her. She knew this is not a surprise. We cleared it. And so the thing is is who and what you expose your children to will shape who they become and what they believe. And the thing is is you are, if you allow them to be exposed to bad attitude, over-sexualized images, materialism, perverted thinking. It's kind of cute when you have three-year-old toddlers that say curse words and fight and throw up the middle finger. You know that's kind of funny, it's hilarious.
Speaker 1:you know, but when they're 15 and they're constantly in BJ's office because he's a principal, he does not think that is cute because they're fighting in the locker rooms. And that's the thing. I think we have to be super careful what we expose our kids to.
Speaker 2:So we have to lead by figuring out okay, now we've set boundaries, we have a system that works. Now I want to close, and we have just a couple minutes. I want to close with really two things that you should be exposing your children to and leading them in the right direction. And, if you can, if you have influence in anyone's life, these are the two things that you should try to expose them to in order to lead them. Number one is expose them to the joy of knowing God personally.
Speaker 2:John, chapter 17, verse 3, says this Now, this is eternal life that they know. Everybody say they know the only true God. God wants us to know him, and we need to expose our children to what it looks like to know God. So how does that look? It needs to be a normal part of our conversation. There should not be like we spend all week long just living life and then we talk about God on Sunday mornings between 9 and 10, 15. Right, right, it shouldn't be just that Sunday, it should be. The most common conversation in our house should be who God is, how we're relating to him. Whenever we make good grades, we're thanking God. Hey, awesome job, you're going to get a reward if you did something great, but let's also thank God that he gave us this opportunity.
Speaker 1:Well, and I think it's continually looking for those moments where you can bring God into the conversation, like it's making it a part of everyday life. That's you're discipling your kids. Maybe you've never looked at parenting like that, but you are their primary discipler. You are the one that is leading and pointing them towards Jesus, and it can't just be Saturday night as you are screaming at them to get their church clothes laid out on the bed and find their shoes Like it had it, or on the way to church where you are just losing your mind. Everybody smile when we get in there. Pastor Angie's going to ask how you are.
Speaker 1:You say fine, and so it has to be on a Monday where you know they've come home. They've had a really bad day at school. A little, a little sister has been ugly to them and you say you know what would Jesus do?
Speaker 2:What would Jesus do? How do we bring God into the center of this situation or this conversation? And if you recognize your kid has a need, you think, oh man, okay, we got to figure this out. Take a minute and pray about it with them. Take a minute and say, all right, let's just, let's just trust God for this, teaching them who to turn to, that's it. They're going to bring it to you, maybe, but who to turn to? That's it. They're going to bring it to you, maybe, but teach them that they can. We have to slowly begin to transfer dependence from us to God. That's it. And we do that by bringing God into every situation. If it's a need, then we teach them to trust God for it. If it's something good has happened, we treat, we teach them to thank God for it.
Speaker 1:That's it, that's it. All good and perfect gifts come from above that, above that's we. We said that over and over and over, but I bought the christmas presents, but they all, good and perfect things, come from thank the lord. Thank the lord, and so number two things, if you would expose them to anything, it's the presence and power of god in his church. Psalms 92, 13 says those who are planted in the house of the lord shall flourish in the courts of our God. The thing is, is you have to decide is church convenient or is it primary? What is optional for your family? School is not optional. The dentist is not optional. Soccer is not optional.
Speaker 2:Baseball practice.
Speaker 1:Baseball, practice, dance, all those things are not optional, but when we get to Sunday we're tired and we think ah, what's one Sunday?
Speaker 2:Or we say hey, who all wants to go to church today?
Speaker 1:Yeah, no one's going to say they want to go to church. Don't ask that question. We don't ask that question in our own house Us too. Some Sunday mornings we're tired. We heard a story a couple of weeks ago where a family had decided to sleep in and when the kids woke up they were infuriated that they didn't get to go to church. Like through a big, giant fit. And the family decided we're never doing that again, because the thing is once again what do you expose your kids to? Is more of the world coming into their ears than the things of God? Do you put them into a place where Pastor Sean can pat them on the head and tell them how good they're doing? Do you expose them to worship and word and watching the family of God, different colors, different creeds, different kinds come together and worship? That is what will stay with them all the days of their life.
Speaker 2:Not only that, then they start to have an appetite for that, they start reaching for their time with God, they start reaching for the community of God, the church, they start reaching for all of the things that make them healthy. So the last thing I want to say, though, before we go, is this what if I haven't been doing it right? What if I have, you know, royally messed it up?
Speaker 2:and I feel like I'm a failure and I feel like I was the last person that should have ever had kids. Listen, none of us are perfect and I don't think anyone's ready to be a parent. I think we have to learn as we go and we have to make the like. Let's have a fresh start, like God. Our God is a God of fresh starts, and what better time to start fresh than today. So maybe you've messed up, maybe you've made bad decisions, maybe you have something that you feel is unmanageable. But can I tell you that if you'll start over, maybe you need some advice. You get with someone who's doing a great job and say hey, can I talk to you for a couple minutes? I'd love to get some pointers. Or maybe you could help coach me. Like there's nothing wrong with that.
Speaker 2:I can tell you personally, there have been a handful of times in our parenting life where I look at our family and I realize, oh, my gosh, I've messed up Somewhere. We took a wrong turn. It's usually when I wake up and realize, man, I've had a terrible attitude through this, or like, oh, I can't believe I said that, or I'm so not proud of the way I acted in a situation, or I yelled, or I said this, or I said that, or I did make it emotional and we're all susceptible to that. We're all going to do that sometimes. But there have been those moments where I just call a family meeting and I say, hey, everybody, we're meeting Five minutes. That's when they were younger, they were older and they're all driving around. Even there were still times where I said, hey, I need everybody Tonight, I need to talk to everybody and I would just say, look, I'm going to start with an apology. I'm sorry for the way that I acted.
Speaker 2:Sometimes we think, as a parent, I can't apologize. I'm sorry for the way that I acted. I shouldn't have yelled or I shouldn't have been ugly, I shouldn't have said whatever the thing was. I'm sorry that it got out of hand, I'm sorry that we are treated. We shouldn't be treating ourselves or each other this way. To try and realign with. This is where we should go. And then I'd say, hey, let's just take a minute and pray. Let's just take a minute and pray. I didn't make them apologize every time they did, because if I can come in humility and put down my pride, then they can do the same thing and I don't. I don't didn't do that because I'm perfect, or we didn't do that because we were a Christian family, or because we're pastors. We did that because we're Christ-centered.
Speaker 2:So I just want to challenge you as parents today, mom, dad. The fact that you're here, the fact that your kids are in church, you're doing an awesome job. But we got to be better, because times change, the world's getting darker. We need our kids to be stronger, not weaker. We need to give them more strength, more of a foundation in their relationship with Christ, more of an understanding of what it means to know God, what it means to embrace the community of his family in the church. So I want us to pray in closing and then we'll invite the prayer team and worship in closing and dismiss everybody, but let's just take a minute and I want us to pray.
Speaker 2:Would you bow your heads right where you are, god, today we just trust you with our children's lives. We trust you as parents. Lord, I ask that you would give every parent the wisdom, the knowledge how to set boundaries, how to lead our children, to train them up in the way that they should go, so that they won't depart from it. God, give us eyes to see which way to go. Put us in the right relationships with partnerships that can help us to have the strongest generation of young people that grows up in the church that have been God. Let us have strong children, strong hearts, strong values In Jesus' name.
Speaker 2:Before we go, I also want to give an opportunity. I talked about fresh starts earlier. If you have never begun a relationship with Jesus, then let's start today fresh. You can do that. The Bible says whoever calls on the name of the Lord will be saved. It's as simple as just having a confession of faith, submitting your life to him. You can repeat these words after me in this prayer.
Speaker 2:Would you bow your heads? Let's say this prayer together Dear Heavenly Father, I give you my life today. Help me to have a fresh start in your family. So forgive me of my sin and I turn from my old ways and I'll follow you in Jesus name. Amen, amen, amen. Let's give a hand for everyone who said that prayer. The band is coming. Amen, amen, amen. Let's give a hand for everyone who said that prayer. The band is coming. Would you guys stand up on your feet? The prayer team is also coming forward. If you'd like to pray with someone before you leave, they are available. Otherwise, we're going to stay in worship for just a minute. If you have to go, we understand. You guys are dismissed. In Jesus' name, we love you.